


Lying Never Got Me Anywhere

by slaahtrix



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Eventual Romance, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Pre and Post Reichenbach, Sherlock is beautiful, john lies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-06-09 12:47:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6907882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slaahtrix/pseuds/slaahtrix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>if the dialogue isn't exactly what happened in the show, just know that i'm doing this from memory, also clearly a lot things will be altered for plot trajectory.</p></blockquote>





	1. The lies spill like my homosexual tendencies

I never understood why people lied, it always seemed like a waste of time to me. Why take the energy to maintain a facade when you could just tell the truth. I always took the lying seriously, I would always try to tell people the truth, despite the possible consequences. Lying was never a part of me, I tried to keep it on the borders, never dictating my life, until I met Sherlock Holmes. 

I walked into St. Barts lab one fateful afternoon with Mike Stamford, with low expectations for a possible flatmate. I should have set my expectations higher because I was blown away. Sherlock was an enigma, he was both mechanical and fluid, he was emotionless and so full of feeling. I saw worlds of possibility after only being in his orbit for a few minutes. He was more than I ever expected, that's when I started lying.

"Well, what do think of Sherlock?" Mike asked shortly after Sherlock left the lab.

"Hmm? Oh, he's a bit strange isn't he?" I didn't think he was strange at all, I thought he was brilliant.

"Yeah, he's always like that. Do you think you'll take him up on the offer?" Mike smiled while opening the door for me while we exited.

"I'm not sure, I have to sleep on it." I was sure though, I was going to Baker Street regardless of how the flat looked. Sherlock could have picked a hole in the wall for us to live and I would still live there, as long as he would allow me to be there with him.

"Ah, well I must be back to work, it was good to see you John." Mike patted my back and began walking down the hall to his office.

"Right, good to see you too Mike." I said before making my way back to my miserable excuse for a flat.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

I thought that maybe after getting to know Sherlock, whatever I had felt that first day would surely go away. I was, of course, entirely wrong. The more time I spent with the man, the more I wanted to touch his hair, smell his clothes, taste his skin; it became an unhealthy thought pattern. I found myself lying more and more.

"John, does this say 'I'm friendly and you can trust me to tell me that you cheat on your husband?'" Sherlock walked out of his bedroom wearing denim pants that hugged his arse so very perfectly and a polo shirt in a shade of blue that made his eyes look like pools of ocean water.

"I'm assuming this is for a case? It just makes you look like a normal, less intimidating bloke. I suppose it works if that's what you're going for." That's not what I was thinking, I was thinking that he looked absolutely gorgeous and I wanted to bend him over the table and take him right there. I coughed lightly and looked away.

"Right, well that should do then." Sherlock grabbed a coat that was definitely not his long whoosh of a jacket that he usually wore, it was shorter and a medium chestnut colour. He grabbed his phone and was gone.

I exhaled deeply and shook my head. I was in deeper than I had originally thought. 


	2. Liars Always Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if the dialogue isn't exactly what happened in the show, just know that i'm doing this from memory, also clearly a lot things will be altered for plot trajectory.

The Woman always knew the truth, she was a professional liar and therefore could tell when others were feeding her lies. She knew the moment she looked at me, I couldn't even begin to try to hide it, it was written all over my face. You would think that Sherlock could see it when he looked at me but Sherlock was quite blind when it came to emotions, especially when emotions were directed at him. Sherlock could read when someone was lying when it came to guilt and anger but love, he never did figure that one out.

When I found out Irene was still alive, I was furious with her. I was mad because of what she did to Sherlock but also because I didn't want her back in our lives, she knew that too. When I tried to deny my feelings for Sherlock, she threw it back in my face.

"We're not a couple!" I fumed at her, this was not a lie but it was obvious that I wanted it to be.

"Yes you are." She smirked and looked at her phone. She could see that I wanted him, that I was desperate to be in Sherlock's orbit.

"If anyone still cares to know, I'm not gay!" This was a partial lie, I am not entirely gay. I still find the female population appealing but I'm not concerned with the parts a person had, I really need to connect to a person. I think the correct term is pansexual.

"Well, I am. Look at us both." Irene was playing games with me, she was trying to get me worked up. She didn't love Sherlock, she just loved the way his mind worked. She didn't care about his humanity, she didn't care about his little quirks.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

 

"Goodbye, John." Sherlock said in a broken tone while looking at me from the top of a building. This is the moment in my life when I regretted all the lies I told him. I looked at him and felt my entire world snap in two.

"No, Sher-...SHERLOCK!" I screamed as he jumped. I never screamed so loud in my life, I felt dizzy. I tried to move but my body was drained of all energy, then a biker knocked me over. The ground knocked the wind out of me while I tried to crawl to him. 

I made my way over to him, my body didn't feel real, my surroundings melted away. I think those are symptoms of a massive panic attack. There were a lot of people surrounding a body, his body. So much blood.

"I'm his friend...oh god no...sh..oh god." People tried to hold me back but I had to touch him, I had to feel his pulse. I pushed them off of me and touch his wrist...there was nothing. I felt sick, I could feel the darkness take me as I started to black out. Someone caught me.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

I woke up in the hospital with a start, I was panting deeply and sweating, like I had just had a nightmare. I looked around and wondered if it all had been a dream. Moments later, Greg walked in.

"Hello John, finally awake I see." He looked like absolute hell and he wouldn't look me in the eye.

"Sher-Where's Sherlock?" My mouth was dry, I must've been out for a long time.

"He...He's gone, John." Greg looked at his feet and shuffled a bit.

"No, it wasn't just a nightmare?" I whispered partly to myself but he heard me.

"No, he's really dead. I'm so sorry, John." He finally looked up at me and frowned.

"No! You don't get to say sorry! You're part of the reason why this happened! Where's Mycroft? I'm going to kill him! None of you believed in him, you turned against him and look at what it's done! Look at what you did to him! TO ME! Oh god..." I began to sob, I haven't cried that hard in years. I was struggling to breathe in between each deep sob. Sherlock was really gone and I never told him how I felt, how I really felt about him.

"John, you need to breathe. You're having another panic attack, if you don't calm down, you'll pass out again." Greg went to touch my shoulder but I pushed him away violently.

"DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T! LEAVE ME ALONE! I...OH GOD...HE'S GONE. GO AWAY! Just...go away..." I curled up into a ball and cried. Greg left after my outburst. I cried in that hospital room until nothing made sense anymore and I drifted off into sleep. In my dream I heard a voice..

"It's just a magic trick.."


	3. Lying to Get By

There was a knock at the door, I hadn't invited anyone over, I hadn't ordered any food, so who could it be? I got up from the couch but then realized I should put away the scotch I was drinking, it was on 11am on a Wednesday. I grabbed the bottle and put it away before taking the last swig from my tumbler and putting that in the sink. I looked around at my miserable flat and deemed it okay enough to let someone in. I walked to the door and opened it, it was Greg and he had a box.

"Hello John, I thought I would stop by to give this to you, it's...well it's everything we have on...on him." Greg couldn't even say his name around me, good to know he was that scared I'd freak out.

"Oh, uhm...thanks I guess." I didn't mean it. I never did lately, my words have become empty.

"Right well, everything been alright?" Greg looked at his shoes, he didn't want to the truth, he was merely being kind.

"Good, yeah, fine." My tone implied otherwise and I was far from good or fine.

"Okay, uhm, I best be off to work, maybe we could go for a pint sometime?" His offer was empty and he knew I'd never bite.

"Right, sure." We were never going for that pint.

I closed the door behind Greg and turned to look at the box, I sighed and knew I could not handle it sober. I went to grab my scotch yet again and my tumbler out of the sink. I poured myself a liberal three fingers and opened the box. There were a lot of newspaper articles and little things we picked up on closed cases but one thing caught my eye, there was a DVD underneath everything. Curiosity getting the best of me, I put it in my player and set up my tele. Sherlock popped onto the screen, I realized that this was the unedited version of my birthday video.

"Is it on?" Sherlock said while looking curiously at the camera.

"Yes, of course, get on with it." Greg's disembodied voice came from behind the camera.

"Hello John, I'm sorry I can't be there for your birthday dinner but I send you many birthday wishes and whatnot-"

"Wait, why won't you be there?" Greg asked from behind the camera.

"There's going to be people there, I'm not going." Sherlock looked annoyed and sighed.

"Oh, sorry, continue." Greg adjusted the camera.

"Anyhow, happy birthday John," Sherlock paused for a moment, "Should I wink?" 

"Why would you?" Greg sounded confused.

"I do that sometimes, people seem to like it when I do." Sherlock then smiled and winked at the camera. 

I paused the DVD right on his winking face and took a big swig of the rest of my drink. I couldn't breathe, it had been just over a year and it still hurt like it was yesterday. I didn't understand how people got over loved ones dying. I no longer felt like myself, I had become a shell of a man. My life was over as far as I was concerned. 

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

"It's just a magic trick..." I heard the whisper as I shot up from my bed, I was having the nightmare again. I would dream that Sherlock had jumped but by the time I got to where his body had been, it was gone. I would always hear that one line whispered back to me, I didn't understand why. 

I got up and washed my face before I started my morning routine of getting ready for work. I started working at a clinic again, I needed the money and I needed the distraction. I worked more than any other doctor in the building and I never took my vacation time, I completely drowned myself in work because I was scared of being alone with my thoughts. I got to work early and immediately started doing paperwork when I heard a knock on my door.

"Yes?" I called out. The door opened slightly and nurse Mary popped her head in.

"Good morning Doctor Watson, you're quite early this morning." She smiled at me, she was the nicest person at the clinic. She would give me space when I needed it and help me out when I got stuck.

"Ah, good morning Mary. Yes, I wanted to get my paperwork done right away so I wouldn't have to do it after the patients left. I sort of have somewhere to be after we close." I smiled sadly before thinking better of it and plastering on my best fake smile.

"Oh, alright. Your first patient is in half an hour, Mr. Kirkston. Let me know if you need anything." She smiled again and shut the door before I could reply. She understood that I needed to be alone.

Once I was done work, I got on the subway, twenty minutes later, I walked a few blocks and I was there. I looked at it, it was so cold and dark, I suppose the tombstone was meant to reflect the man who's name is upon it but to me, it seemed wrong. I touched it with my fingers, two years have passed. I shuddered to think that I would have to live many years past this and still have it be my reality. I tried so hard to avoid crying, I could feel my throat tighten.

"God, Sherlock. It's been two years and it still hurts. When is it going to stop hurting? I wish I could have been enough for you, I wish I would have had the courage to tell you how I really felt...maybe then, maybe you'd still be here. Maybe we'd still be together and happy, maybe even happier. Sherlock, this is too hard for me. This life without you is not a life at all. I know I've said it before but please, stop this, stop being dead." I sighed and sniffled. I touched the stone one more time before swiftly turning away from it. Then I heard it again...

 

"It was just a magic trick, John."


	4. Not the Only Liar

I stood completely still, afraid to move, afraid to even breathe. Had I gone crazy and started to hear voices? I didn't want to turn around, I wasn't sure what I would find if I did. If I turned around and no one was there, then I would know that I'm crazy and I didn't want that confirmation. There was still the chance that if I turned around someone would be there, someone who ought to be dead. I stood still, closed my eyes and took a deep breathe.

"John, please turn around." The voice never said anything more in my dreams, this was new and terrifying. I opened my eyes and slowly turned. It was him, he stood there in front of me while his tombstone stood behind me.

"How...Sh..." I couldn't speak, there were no words.

"John, I'll explain everything but we can't do it here. Come back to Baker Street with me." I wonder if he knew I didn't live there anymore, I wonder if he knew about my pathetic little flat. 

"I don't live there anymore. I moved out after..after everything." I looked at my shoes and then back at his impossible face. He looked tired and a little thinner than I remembered but he was still Sherlock.

"I know but Mrs. Hudson refused to rent it out and Mycroft helped her pay her bills. She was able to keep it untouched due to his... generosity. Please John, we need to talk." He outstretched his hand to me and waited for me to go to him. I took a shuddered breathe and moved toward him, he put his hand on my shoulder and we began to walk toward Baker Street. He kept his hand on my shoulder, his touch was unusual but not unwelcome, neither of us commented on it.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

"So, as you can see, I faked the whole thing and I managed to do it without anyone knowing the truth while I worked to eliminate Moriarty's web of associates. The only people that knew about it were Mycroft and Molly. It took much longer than I had intended, I wanted to be back before we hit the two year mark. I didn't want you to have to be reminded a second time what had happened. I'm sorry I was late." He looked up from under his lashes, he was different than I remember. He seemed softer, his pointy edges had been worn down. He stayed close to me and went to touch me as much as he deemed appropriate.

"Why didn't you tell me? I could have taken care of myself, Sherlock. I'm military trained, I'm a crack shot, I'm a doctor, Sherlock I could have helped you. We could have done it together." I was angry, how could he leave me for so long? I wanted to tell him that I was broken, that his death had killed me, but I didn't.

"John, you were a target. You would have been killed before I could have even told you what was happening. I could not take that risk. I had to keep you safe, I had to keep you alive." His eyes looked desperate, he looked broken too.

"I died when you jumped! You broke me! I thought you jumped because you thought no one cared about you and I thought it was my fault because I never told you how I felt! You complete cock!" It all just slipped out with my anger, I didn't mean to say it. He looked shell-shocked, then he touched my knee and his face went serious.

"How did you feel, John?" He squeezed my knee.

"I...oh god...I loved you. I loved you so much, I was never the same after that." I couldn't look him in the eye, I didn't want to see the rejection but then he squeezed my knee again and I looked up. 

"Oh John, I did everything for you. I loved you too, I still do. Please tell me you still love me." He bit his lip nervously, it was so unlike him to be so vulnerable. 

"Yes, of course I do. I still love you." I sighed, it was a weight off my shoulders, I had finally stopped lying. He smiled at me and brought his other hand up to my face and touched my cheek. 

"John, may I?" He looked at my lips and back at me for permission. I nodded slightly and he moved toward me. His nose brushed mine and I could feel his breath on my lips, he closed his eyes and pressed his lips lightly against mine. It felt right, it felt new and familiar, it felt like home. He slotted his lips with mine and I hummed pleasantly, I didn't want to pull away but after a moment, he moved away. He smiled. 

"There is one more thing we need to take care of, John. I'd love to move back to Baker Street and begin our new lives but there is one more person we need to track down. She slipped through my fingers and I tracked her back to London but the trail has gone cold." He looked frustrated.

"Who is it?" I asked.

"S. Moran, Moriarty's crack-shot, his most impressive mercenary, she is very skilled at blending in and disappearing. We need to find her before I can come back officially."

 


	5. Will the real S. Moran please stand up?

"How exactly do we find this S. Moran, Sherlock?" He looked at me with concerned eyes and sighed before standing to move toward the window, he paused in front of it and gazed outside.

"John, whomever it is, she's already in your life somehow. She would have showed up recently, she either works at a coffee shop you frequent, drives a bus that you take, has made friends with one of your friends, works at your work, or any number of things in order to see you every day. She's come into your life because she got word that Moriarty's other men had been killed or have gone missing. She's protecting her own skin by keeping her last contract in sight. She will continue to try to get close to you and if she ever sees me, she will kill you. I'm so sorry I got you into this, John." He turned and looked at me.

"We'll find her, she has to be someone new in my life that I see often...how new? When did she come to London?" I was sure we could figure it out, I just needed to get Sherlock to believe it too.

"Approximately two months, I removed the last man two and half months ago and she got word and fled shortly afterward." Sherlock sat beside me again.

"We'll make a list, a list of every new woman I've met in the past two months that I see frequently. We will find her, Sherlock." I smiled and put my hand on his knee. He looked worried but relaxed under my touch.

 

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

It took us an entire evening, we backtracked the last two months and I described every boring and depressing day of those months. We drafted a list and rewrote it a few times, eliminating names and adding them. Our list came down to three names.

Jennifer Glaston, she moved to London roughly two months ago, she worked at the coffee shop I went to before work every morning, she was in her mid-twenties and had an American accent. She claimed she was here on a work visa. 

Elisabeth Tetch, she started driving the bus that I took to work every day around two months ago, she was in her thirties, born in London. She apparently used to drive a different bus.

Mary Morston, she's the nurse at my work. She's in her late thirties, not from London but is English. She was transferred to our clinic around two months ago. She checked up on me often and was a very good nurse.

 

"Well we've narrowed it down, I think it's a good start." I was trying to keep Sherlock's spirits up but he seemed hung up on the whole thing.

"It's merely a start. We need to find her soon, she'll notice your change in attitude and attempt to follow you more often and possibly insert herself in your life. We need to be careful, John. I can't lose you after all I've put us through already." He put his head on my shoulder and took a deep breathe. I carded my fingers through his soft hair and turned to kiss his forehead.

Despite the trouble we were bound to face in the near future, I was content. Sherlock was in my arms and he was alive. I had finally revealed how I had felt and Sherlock felt the same, we had made more progress in a day than we had made in the months and months we had together before the fall.

 

We would find S. Moran, there was no way I was going to let her take away everything that I've always wanted. She could not take this away from me, not when I never thought I was going to have it. 


End file.
